Buttons
by Zoe Saugin
Summary: The Doctor can't resist pressing buttons, so Rose and the TARDIS conspire against him. Written for the July Fireplace Cliche Challenge.


_Title: Buttons_

_Author: Zoe Saugin/PrincessOfQuestionableMorals_

_Fandom: Doctor Who_

_Summary: "__So if I see a great, big, threatening button -which should never, ever, ever be pressed- then I just wanna do this!" The Doctor can't resist the allure of a button. And gets devirginized by a tampon._

_Challenge: The Fireplace July Challenge Cliché fic. Take a cliché theme, and make it realistic._

_Disclaimer: Doctor Who belongs to RTD and I am simply a lowly writer that dreams of one day—you know what? You don't need to know that. Suffice it to say, I wish I owned David Tennant…_

* * *

Rose Tyler entered the control room of the TARDIS, chewing absentmindedly on a pen cap. She saw the Doctor pacing back and forth—not an uncommon occurrence, but still odd—next to the controls. She sat in a chair, regarding the alien as he glared at the console.

She raised an eyebrow as he put on his glasses peering close at a something on the other side of the TARDIS controls. He bit his lip, jumping back, and continued to pace.

Rose smirked behind one hand. "Doctor?" she ventured. He jumped, having been so engrossed in his thoughts that he hadn't noticed her, and grinned wildly.

"Yes, Rose?"

"Are you…okay?" she asked, fighting back giggles as the Doctor continued to throw the ship dirty looks.

"No, Rose, I'm not. Because the TARDIS is taunting me." His glasses threatened to slide off his nose as he gestured wildly around the control room.

"It's…_taunting_ you." Rose fought to keep a straight face. "Your _time machine_ is…_taunting_ you."

The Doctor bounded over to where his blonde companion was sitting, and placed his hands on either arm of her chair, so that their noses were almost touching. His gaze was far-off and, seeing mood forty-five (fierce concentration to the point of obliviousness), Rose rolled her eyes, pretending not to notice their close proximity. The Doctor gave a frustrated sigh, spinning around back towards the console, tugging absentmindedly on his ear. Rose, now used to the weird mood swings that hadn't been shown by his predecessor, was unsurprised.

"I just…gotta…" He darted around. Rose watched with interest as he continued to pace back and forth next to the circular controls. Giving into curiosity—and conveniently ignoring two of her mother's favorite sayings ("Curiosity killed the cat" and "Always make the man come to you")— went to look at what the Doctor was glaring at.

"Doctor…" She trailed off confused. "What are you looking at?"

The Doctor pointed at a small pink button. "That button was not there yesterday."

Rose raised her eyebrows. "What's it for?" she questioned, glancing towards the roof of the TARDIS and holding back a giggle that threatened to burst out.

"I don't know!" burst out the Doctor in exasperation, tugging at his hair. "I have no clue what it does."

"Just ignore it," suggested Rose.

"Rose, do you remember when Earth was invaded by the Sycorax?" the Doctor asked, raising an eyebrow.

"'Course," said Rose, confused as to the change of subject.

"When I see an unknown button—which should probably, under any circumstances, never, _ever_ be pressed—I just want to do _this_." With flourish, he pressed the small button.

There was a puff of smoke, and Rose could hear someone coughing. "Okay. That was different," came a voice as the smoke cleared. She stared at the form that was slowly becoming visible as the smoke cleared. When she finally saw what had happened, she couldn't hold in her laughter any longer. Tears started rolling down her face as she laughed at the person in front of her.

"Rose? Rose, why are you…" The Doctor's annoyed tone set her off even more, and she just wagged her finger at him, unable to speak.

The Doctor waited impatiently as her outburst of laughter slowly reduced to the point of near-calmness. Rose bit her lip, refusing to look at the Doctor, knowing it would only make her laugh again.

"What's so funny?" asked the Doctor, impatiently.

"Doctor…" Rose concentrated very hard on the ceilings to keep the giggling from pouring out of her. "You're a _girl_." That statement once again sent her into a giggling fit.

The Doctor looked down at him—no, sorry—_her_self and noticed two protruding lumps on her chest. She felt her face, and realized that her bone structure had indeed become distinctly more feminine. Rose, now over her giggling fit, stared, biting her lip.

"I think it's s'posed to be a lesson," she observed, hiding a smile. "Don't press buttons. I'm sure she'll," she indicated the TARDIS "change you back when she thinks you've learned the lesson."

"I've learned my lesson," pleaded the Doctor desperately to the machine around her.

"Just be glad you make a hot girl," Rose advised. "I know seventeen people who would _kill_ for your cheekbones."

The Doctor glared at her companion suspiciously. "You're taking this rather well."

Rose put the pen cap back in her mouth, chewing on it again. "What, with your oral fixation and your curiosity for buttons, I figured it was only a matter of time before something like this happened."

The Doctor stopped, head tilted, and she carelessly swept her now long hair over one shoulder. "I want…chocolate."

"_Definitely_ a girl, then," mused Rose. "Check the second cabinet in the kitchen behind the coffee beans." At the irate Time Lady's look, Rose shrugged. "If I didn't hide it, I would have had the hyperactive equivalent of a twelve-year-old bouncing around in the body of a 900-plus-years-old alien."

The woman pranced off, and Rose hid her grin behind her hand. "It's punishment for the bad driving, isn't it?" she said to no one in particular. The TARDIS beeped in response, and Rose grabbed a magazine from a nearby chair and began to flip through it.

* * *

Rose had moved to her bed and was working on the crossword puzzle (she was currently focused on remembering the "Day & Night" pop singer of 34 down) when she heard a panicked yelp from the bathroom. "Rose…Rose! Come _here_!"

Sighing in exasperation, the blonde girl put down her magazine and proceeded towards the bathroom. She knocked on the door and she heard some shuffling. "Rose, is that you?"

"No, it's your _other_ stunning, blonde companion," she said sarcastically. "What's wrong?"

The Doctor sighed. "Awkward…" she muttered brushing her hair out of her face. She really needed to do something with all that hair. "I'm…bleeding."

Rose's eyes widened in surprise. She glanced at the ship admiringly. "Way to go, old girl," she murmured. She turned back towards the bathroom door. "Well, you see, Doctor, when a girl comes to a point in her life when she is biologically _ready_ to start having s--" She was interrupted by the Doctor.

"Yes, I know what it _is_. What do I _do_?" asked the Doctor plaintively.

She bit her lip, half considering and half holding in hysterics, something that seemed to be happening more and more with this new orally-fixated, lick-first-ask-questions-later, pretty-boy regeneration of the Doctor. "Look under the sink. There should be some tampons."

"Okay, I found them…what do I do with them?" the Time Lady in the bathroom asked, unsure.

"Just, kind of…put them in." Rose found it difficult to talk about this to the Doctor, even if he _was_ currently female.

There was silence in the bathroom, and then a yelp of pain. Rose buried her face in her hands. "Doctor…" her voice came out muffled. "_Please_ tell me you weren't just devirginized by a tampon."

"Can I just use pads?" asked the Doctor, a hint of desperation seeping into her voice.

Rose threw up her hands in exasperation and stalked back towards her room.

"Rose…?" the Doctor called out questioningly into the empty hallway. "Rose?!"

The Doctor could have sworn that she could hear the TARDIS laughing at her.

* * *

"Rose!" greeted a slightly more cheerful alien as the Londoner entered the room. "Why didn't you tell me about jeans?"

"Sorry, what?" asked Rose, as she stopped. She did a double-take when she saw what the brunette happily eating a bar of chocolate was wearing. "Are those…my jeans?"

The Doctor nodded, almost bouncing. "Turns out we're the same size. Or, well," she motioned to the tremendous bagginess of the denim pants held up by a brown belt, "I guess I'm a little thinner…and shorter, strangely…" This didn't seem to phase her though and she kept jumping around the control room of the TARDIS.

"You seem to be adjusting well," the blonde said, smirking.

"Oh, well, I always wondered what it would be like to be a woman. I mean, I know you all have to go to the bathroom all the time, love chocolate, and every so often force me to stop so you can get pain medication, but I never knew why. So this is a good chance--" the Doctor began to babble, a familiar manic grin in place on her features.

Rose listened as she got a teacup out of the closet. "Reverse psychology doesn't work on a machine," she interrupted her.

The grin dropped. "Rose, make it stop. Please. The TARDIS likes you," the alien pleaded.

"What do you think, old girl? Has he learned his lesson?" asked Rose to the TARDIS. The machine beeped and hummed, and Rose smirked.

"What did you learn, Doctor?" The Doctor sighed in defeat.

"Never push buttons just because they're there," the alien recited in a monotone.

Rose took a vial of liquid out of her pocket and smashed it on the floor beneath the doctor. Smoke filled the room and once again the Doctor's coughs could be heard. When the smoke cleared, a once again male Doctor emerged. Rose's part in the plot was instantly forgotten, and he hugged her, grinning.

"Oh, look! I'm not bouncing anymore!" He grinned happily, looking for the entire world like an innocent child. Rose hugged him back, but was startled when he froze, eyes widening.

"What's wrong, Doctor?" she asked, worried.

He looked down at her, an apprehensive look on his face. "I never took the tampon out."

She laughed so hard that she fell on to the floor and lay where she landed, tears streaming down her face.

* * *

"So _you_ put the button there?" asked the Doctor suspiciously, regarding Rose through narrowed eyes.

Rose shrugged. "Pretty much, yeah."

"Okay, then. I just have one question." He said, waving a finger. She hid a smile.

"I told you, it was to make you drop—"

The Doctor waved her away. "Yes, but why on earth did you make it _pink_?"


End file.
